Offered in the spirit of Ambrose Bierce, the godfather of cryptolexography, this dictionary is a collection of newly minted neologisms along with irreverent redefinitions of the current crop of buzzwords, slang, and weaselspeak waiting for us out there every day.

¡A.I. Caramba! Exclamation when experiencing a disaster caused by artificial intelligence.

Alternative Fax Messages sent without a grain of truthiness.

Arrefutable Statement that cannot be disproved

Betaphor Early test version of a metaphor, e.g., dingy sheep of the family.

Bitchcoin What you’ll call it once the whole scheme collapses and your investment has vanished.

Burnt Umbrage A grievance that has become a grudge.

Ciscombobulated To be flummoxed by the idea of gender fluidity.

Cite Seeing Reading the footnotes.

Cognitive Dissidents Those who insist they saw something completely different than what the rest of us just saw.

Cringe The appropriate response upon first hearing a verb used as a noun.

Curfluffle Dust-up in a dog park.

Cyberputz Online jerk.

Denaliism Refusing to call it anything but Mt. McKinley.

Dude Diligence Continuing to abide.

Economicull To retain profit by cutting staff.

Effluence An overabundance of swear words in a piece of recorded entertainment.

Ehfluencer Less-than-persuasive social media marketer.

Enviralmentalist One who studies social media.

Fad Accompli A craze that’s run its course.

Gamboling Problem Unable to frolic without tripping over one’s own feet.

Hip Displacement When pioneering hipsters are priced out of a neighborhood they made desirable. (see also; Indegentry)

Holy Roiler One whose antagonism is fueled by religious fervor.

Howdy Duty Greeter’s job at a big box store.

Hyperlocal Artisanal items made from ingredients sourced within the same zip code.

Icklectic Diverse collection of distasteful objects gathered from a wide variety of sources.

Incelent Characteristic attitude of the snotty, single, horny and alone.

J’acuzzi Judgy hot tub.

Jurisprunence Selectively scaling back established law.

Kakistophony Sound made by a crooked government caught in the act.

Leaf Blower Someone adept at shifting blame or quickly making their problem somebody else’s.

Manstipulation It’s only okay if a man does it.

Nachoos Just like regular nachos but with too much black pepper.

Neologin Newly updated password.

NFT WTF?

Non-Stick Irony When reaction to the difference between expectation and reality evokes little more than a shrug.

Opp Sit Take a chair across from.

Originalish Someone fiercely devoted to most of the Constitution; Amendments, after the second one, not so much. (see also, Line-Item Patriots)

Perfumative Covering up an unpleasant odor with an expensive one.

Phenomenot Something that falls far short of its hype.

Post-Postmodernism Six syllables in search of a definition.

Queryless Demanding answers for which there are no questions.

Rantatouille A well-prepared and carefully arranged fulmination without any meat.

Relative Tumidity Situationally appropriate level of sexual arousal.

Retrow To go backwards in a dinghy.

Rizzible Terms spawned in a media hothouse meth lab (“rizz,” “zaddy”) that no one has ever needed and never will, but that somehow become hot new buzzwords.

Sackrosanct Protected by a reinforced codpiece.

Scantily Plaid A kilt that’s way too short.

Schrodinger’s Cappuccino Is it regular or decaf? You can’t know till you drink it.

Septic Thanks Extremely and transparently insincere expression of gratitude.

Sinpatico Sharing the same vices.

Snort Subject Joke guaranteed to cause ejection of liquid from nasal cavities.

Spitefail Ineffectual vow of revenge.

Steambath Willie Manspreading in the sauna.

Synergy Reason given for a business venture that succeeds but no one involved has any idea why.

Treacle Down Effect Tendency of sickly-sweet sentiments to be reshared on social media.

Tropiary Hedge sculpture depicting a figure of speech.

Unpresciedented Something nobody saw coming.

Vex populi The complaints of the people.

Yeast Inflection The point at which you have to decide whether to bake gluten-free.